Elevating Individuals Through Mentorship
Let's Talk
How do you keep a friendship alive across decades, distance, and all of life’s changes? In this candid conversation, host Tina Fox sits down with her longtime friend Amy Foy—a nurse practitioner, mom of three, and fellow JMU sorority sister—to explore the real work behind lasting relationships. From their early-90s college “origin story” to the financial struggles, marriages, kids, and career shifts that followed, Tina and Amy share the elements that have kept them connected: shared values, genuine curiosity, and the difference between active listening and simply talking. Amy breaks down her three C’s – commitment, communication, and community – which have shaped their 20-year Girls Weekend tradition and sustained their bond. If you’re seeking a lifer friend, wondering about red flags, or trying to build deeper connections in a tech-driven world, this episode offers grounded, practical wisdom from a friendship that has truly stood the test of time.
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This is Tina Fox, host of TERN Talks. We are kicking off this episode with a very dear friend. Her name is Amy Foy. She is a nurse practitioner by trade, but I know her as a dear friend of nearly 35 years. Amy and I have so much to talk about that there’s no way it could be covered in one episode. Everything from our time in college together as sorority sisters, as moms to three boys, as friends, throughout all of our career choices, throughout marriage, etc., we couldn’t fit it into one episode.
What we decided to do was try to hone in on the very important concept of how you make connections. How do you keep connections regardless of time and distance and changes in life? I chose Amy because I believe her to be not only the most tenured friend of all of my friends, but she is also the most consistent in my life. I couldn’t think of a better person to kick off TERN Talks than the one and only Amy Foy. Hi, Amy.
Hi, Tina. Thank you so much for having me. I’m honored to be here. Thank you for saying all those sweet things. You’re my bestie girl.
The feeling is mutual. This is one of the top things I get asked by students when I go and meet with them. “Here I am at university. I’m making friends, but then we’re all going to scatter to the winds as soon as we graduate from college. How do you keep in touch with people when you’re knee-deep and trying to figure out what job you’re going to get, and you’re trying to scrape together two nickels to pay for rent? What do you do when somebody moves away?” I thought we would start with our origin story. Can you take us back to where we went to school, what that was like, not only for you, but then how we ended up meeting?
Let’s go back a little way. It was probably 1991 when we met. We both started JMU in the fall of 1990. We met at Rush, or maybe when we got our bids to Sigma Kappa, the fall of ’91. That was an exciting time. We both took a year to get settled at this big university. We had the opportunity to meet in the same pledge class of Sigma Kappa. That was amazing. We were with about 50 other girls. We hit it off from the get-go. One of the greatest things that pulls people together is finding something in common.
For sure, we had that in common that we were both going through pledging together. We quickly learned that we had a lot of other things in common, like coming from a military family, having siblings, and being Catholic. That created this evolving connection that we had. Fast forward a couple of years after that. We graduated. We went to different cities. You went to Northern Virginia. I went to Richmond. We did a good job staying in touch, taking road trips, and going on excursions together. I can think of a few, like Myrtle Beach, Ocean City, New Jersey, and things like that.
I don’t think we can tell them where all the bodies are buried because that’s to remain on a different show. Let’s go back to you talking about commonality and how that helped us identify with one another while on campus, which we didn’t know we had those commonalities. We didn’t know that both of us were military dependents. We knew that we were rushing at the same time. We ended up in the same social sorority. What is it that you think needed to take place for us to discover those commonalities beyond the fact that we were shoved in the same room together through Rush?
I’ve given this some thought, not only with my friendship with you, but also with the people in general that I develop strong connections with. With you, it was your likability. You are extremely friendly, smiley, and curious. It felt good when we started our friendship because you wanted to learn more about me. It was probably you who unpacked a lot of those layers that bonded us strongly. I learned a lot from you.
One of my favorite things about my longstanding friendships is reflecting on what I learned from these amazing people, both men and women, but what has helped sharpen me as an individual. When I think back to those early years, what was attractive about you was your likability. You visibly liked other people. It modeled for me how to do that, too, how to smile, and how to feel at ease, starting conversations with people and being able to giggle about things. I don’t know if I’ve ever actually said that to you, but it is one of my favorite things about you.
I so much appreciate that. Being that we’re both military dependents, I do think that I moved around a little bit more than you might have moved around, based on what I know about your dad’s history in the military and where you guys lived. That was definitely one of those things that I had to learn, how to be authentically curious, because I was picking up and moving every six months to three years. That being said, you have lots of different friends. You have people like me who are more extroverted, ambivert, and however you want to describe me.
There are also people whom we both know and cherish who are introverts. For anybody who is an introvert and is like, “I’m not going to be the smiley person who is going to be super outgoing and race into a crowd to say, ‘Hi, what are you all about?’” What kinds of things would you talk to students these days, or anybody who may be a bit more introverted? Tell us a little bit about your introverted friends, if you’ve got any that are top of mind.
I’m actually in the middle. I’m a little bit extroverted and a little bit introverted. I can appreciate this question. While I explained you were very outgoing and curious and asked a lot of great questions, what I have learned about the strength of an introvert is that they have a gift of being good active listeners. While they can make themselves available when they have the energy and the battery life to do that. When someone seeks them out and engages in conversation or asks some of these questions, they can learn the ping pong strategy of giving a comment back.
Most importantly, people love to tell their stories. An introvert tends to be a good active listener. Just like you’re doing, you’re nodding your head. You’re making good eye contact. You’re validating that you’re being heard. If you are uncomfortable putting yourself out there and initiating conversation, you may be able to find your area of shining by being present and available, making eye contact, doing the non-verbals of validation, or asking an open-ended question that puts the ball in their court. They can go to town and tell you all about themselves.
That’s one of my favorite aspects of you, too. Sometimes, I’m very keen to want to tell a story. You’re even more keen to listen to the story. That validation of feeling heard is what makes for great friendships when it needs to happen, but then also taking the pause and being able to listen. That leads me to this thought. We had all these years together, albeit not necessarily four years in college, because we didn’t rush till sophomore year. We missed a year.
I would have done it freshman year had I known how much fun that would have been. We ended up doing these years together. We were also involved in other things at school that may not have been sorority-related. I know for sure you were involved in Nursing. You had a lot of things going on with your clinicals. Describe for me what else you were involved in at JMU when you were a student.
In my freshman year, I was actually on an Army ROTC scholarship.
How did I forget?
This is something we have in common, but we had very different experiences. I took the ROTC path, which I wouldn’t change a thing about, because I was so enlightened by that experience and took such appreciation for those who serve our country. It was right at the start of Operation Desert Storm. I was able to learn from our leaders within our organization what was happening, learning about military science.
I’m the last of four. I didn’t have much awareness or understanding of my dad’s role in the military because he retired when I was eight. He had already served 22 years at that point. This was a neat opportunity for me in my freshman year to learn more about that. I was busy with that during my freshman year. We ended up having that in common because you chose to take the ROTC lab. It was maybe your senior year.
It was a terrible idea on my part.
I had great admiration for it because I actually withdrew after the first year. It was something that I wasn’t sure I was ready to commit to. I was busy with that. The rest of my years, I was busy with Nursing. I worked a little bit part-time at the university. I enjoyed exploring all the different parts of JMU, the outdoors, the indoors, and being social with sorority sisters. My one wish that I had gotten more involved in is my faith path. I do remember going to church with you a couple of times, but it wasn’t at the forefront of my mind at that time. God had a plan on how it all played out, and it’s all good. I do reflect and wish that I had been a little bit more present in my college experience.
There were a lot of other distractions that we had on the books, but we did make it a few times here and there. I know CCM was happy to invite us. Just so that you all know, Amy and I are recording this on Veterans Day. Being that we are military dependents, happy Veterans Day to all the veterans out there. We so appreciate everything you’ve done and everything you continue to do. We, living that life, know full well all the sacrifices that are being made. Thank you to all of our vets. Happy Veterans Day. I made the terrible decision to do ROTC. You made the wise decision to start with that. I say terrible only because I am not very good at ROTC. They definitely did not want me as part of the military. They were happy to have me as a dependent.
We were both good comic relief. They called me Private Benjamin. All of you young readers, you probably have no idea who that is.
Let’s say a lot of lipstick and a lot of forehead hair that you didn’t want your bangs to go underneath the cap. That was a problem for us. Let’s talk about what stayed constant and what evolved as far as keeping those friendships going. We’re on campus. We’re finding commonality through the fact that we’re involved in the same thing. That makes it easier when people are either part of a project, part of a team, part of a workplace, or part of a group. You said at the beginning, we would split up after college. I was the one who decided to go to Northern Virginia. So many of our friend group decided to reside in Richmond. We were a couple of hours apart. All of a sudden, we weren’t in each other’s daily lives. What do you think stayed constant, but then what evolved in that separation?
What stayed constant was our desire to stay in touch. Back then, we didn’t have cell phones. It was these random opportunities. We would have a phone call. Hopefully, you’d pick up. We’d chat for an hour or maybe two. We’d laugh. We’d cry. We were seeing each other through these milestones of post-college, which are some of my favorite years, because you’re finally in the big world and you’re making some money.
You’re making independent decisions. Some of that can feel scary, and it can feel exciting. It was nice to have a group of girlfriends be able to share that with and be able to seek some guidance or advice. Maybe they had some experience before you in renting an apartment. What does that look like? There was a lot of seeking ideas, validation, or advice from our friend group. That helped solidify our friendship.
We like to see each other. We would plan Christmas events. We would plan our annual Christmas party. We would try to get together over the summer. You would invite me to Lake Anna with your family. There were a lot of fun opportunities to connect. Whenever we entered into a new relationship, it was important to get the approval of each other, of the person we were dating. We may have had one or two of those situations.
When I first started dating a certain someone and decided to bring him down through Richmond, all of you with your little faces were smashed against the window, trying not to be obvious and being way too obvious. Those were good times. Unlike me, I ended up in Northern Virginia. I remember my first salary in that first year was $14,000 a year. I could barely put enough gas in my car. I was living with my folks, but you and many of our friends did not go home and live with your parents. Talk to us about that living situation because you had the option if you wanted to. I’m sure you’re very close with your folks, but you chose no. They were down in Virginia Beach, the Norfolk area. You decided to go to Richmond. What was that like, finding friends to live with?
It came relatively easily because one of the girls with whom I was in nursing school at JMU and I both got jobs in Richmond. It worked out well that we would get an apartment together. I loved her. We had a great time. After a year of living together, another opportunity opened up with some of our sorority sisters from JMU. That took me into the fan. I lived with a couple of other girls there. I never thought about going back home. It wasn’t something I desired.
I was excited to be on my own and be independent. That meant that I pinched pennies. I tried to be frugal. I remember the first trip I took with Debbie, my roommate, right out of JMU. We went to Cancun. I didn’t grow up with a lot of means, so this was a big deal that I was flying to Mexico with Debbie. We didn’t do an all-inclusive. I don’t even know if those existed back then, but we got this hotel room. We literally packed a loaf of bread, peanut butter and jelly, and a box of instant oatmeal so that we could eat in for breakfast and lunch every day, then we would splurge for dinner every night.
That’s the way to do it.
It made that dinner wonderful. We appreciated it. I wouldn’t change anything. We definitely pinched pennies, but it allowed us to have the independence. That felt good.
This is the origin. This is where Amy and I started. It was in college. We have remained friends since. Let’s get into the work of friendship because we know that, like with any relationship, it doesn’t happen without consistency of work. I stated earlier that not only are you one of the most tenured friends in my life, but you have also remained one of the most consistent.
Whether I moved out of state, I got a new job, or whatever it was that I was doing to move myself further away from you, who has stayed very consistent in your placement, at least, I knew that there was work involved in this friendship. Give me some of your thoughts on what you feel people should know about working that friendship, because I would say that it’s not just me. If I lined up a bunch of people who knew the name Amy Foy, they would all be in 100% agreement that Amy works harder than most people in keeping friendships for the duration. What advice do you have on the work of friendship?
That’s a broad question. It would start with, “What is the value of the relationship to you or to me? Is it worth maintaining that commitment and putting in the work?” You’re right. It takes some time. You’ve got to carve out the time and the energy, listening and sharing, because a friendship is when you feel known and loved. You have to be willing to share and be vulnerable, but you also have to listen, digest, and understand who that person is. I have this vision of friendships. It’s the concentric circles. The inner circle is your closest people in this stage of life, whom you seek out, feel comforted by, and feel supported by.
There are other circles outside of them. Depending on the season of life you’re in, some of those people may shift in and out a little bit and move out. They move back in when the support or that particular person’s advice is needed or valued, or let’s be honest, if they have the time to put into keeping that friendship strong. I enjoy my friendships that I trust are always there and are able to fluidly move in and out without second-guessing that the love is still there and strong. I believe you and I have that. We have been through so many years together and so many milestones together. So often you’ve been in that tight little middle circle.
There have been times with the busyness of life, the other stressors that come into play, or the element of time, where we’ve had to move out a little bit, but we always tend to come back in. That’s a beautiful thing. If you don’t talk to somebody for a couple of months, you don’t even question that they’re still your dear friend. Some relationships do exist out there where there are some stipulations or some conditions of that friendship. With my close friends, I don’t feel like that exists. It’s a nice fluid thing. I hope that answers your question.
You said the word seasons. Interestingly, a student told me very astutely that she sees friendships in reasons, seasons, and lifers. I thought, “We are flipping the script on some reverse mentorship here because I love that.” I’m always looking for a quip to help keep that kernel in my brain. When you said, “We may not speak to each other for a couple of months, or we’re in a different season,” that certainly was the case when we decided to get married and start families. You were ahead of me in the family process. You’ve got one son who is out of college. You’ve got two sons who are in college. Go, Tigers, because we’ve got two that have gone through Clemson and one that’s still in. Also, go, Hokies, because we’ve got one at Virginia Tech.
You have already moved through that path. My path was a little bit later than yours. I’m still a mom of two boys in high school and the bonus mom of a son who is now in the working world. There were those seasons where you’re busy. You’re busy with work. You’re busy with kids. You’re busy with a lot of things. We weren’t living in the same location. I totally agree with you on that. What we do focus on, and you tell me if you disagree, is that you and I are less about quantity. We’re definitely more about quality. That’s where our friendship flourishes. Despite the time, we’ll pick up where we left off. We’ll immediately go into a quality discussion versus surface-level conversations. What do you have to say about that, or what we do on purpose?
Yes, 100%. It helps that we have so many years together and that we have a lot of milestones that we’ve gone through together. There were some aches, some pains, some joyful moments, and some achievements. That experience we have together makes those reunions special and allows us to jump right in. We also have a long history of honesty with each other. That’s hard to come by. Good or bad, we’ve always tried to be honest with one another. You are someone who has sharpened me in good ways and given me feedback.
Is it because I was sharp? I was like, “I don’t like those shoes on you. Stop wearing those shoes.”
I was going to say some of it was fashion, but others, we’re all naive when we’re young. You describe me as a mirror sometimes. Sometimes, it helps to reflect on the people you love, what you’re seeing, and have some honest discussions about that. That has been a special part of our friendship.
I’m going to touch on the honesty part because I do think that when people are trying to describe friendship, they think of uplifting, easygoing, and everybody is laughing. If you’ve been friends as long as we have, there are moments that are very hard. There are moments that are painful. We have to be discerning if we’re good friends with one another. There is the let’s go versus let go scenario. It is choosing wisely, knowing when to let something go, and knowing when to talk to somebody about, “This is a hard truth that I need to deal with you on.”
I know that you and I have gotten together and had one-on-ones where it’s like, “This is the thing that’s bothering me. I need you to hear me on this. I need you to respond to me about what your thoughts were during that time.” Even though it was hard for us to go through that, I felt as though it made us so much deeper in our commitment to one another. I felt, coming out of those difficult conversations, that I could talk to her about anything. We’re going to survive it. We’re going to figure out why we became friends in the first place.
We’re going to be honest with one another. That feedback to me has been of tremendous importance. I’m not going to tell the whole story, but I remember being in Fort Lauderdale. I was down there. I was single. I was feeling so lonely and so depressed. I remember you had the three boys. It was crazy chaos in your house. I picked up the phone to call you. I was very sobby. You were so great on the telephone. As I’m feeling sorry for myself, I’ll never forget you saying, “Listen,” and then you held the phone out to your insanity of your house.
You said, “You hear all these kids right now. You hear them screaming. That’s going to be your life at some point in time, so enjoy this peace and quiet that you have right now. It’s not lonely. You’re doing great.” It set me right. I was like, “Only from Amy’s voice could I have heard that nugget of truth.” I’m very grateful for all of those truths that you’ve given to me. What would you tell people about that discernment? What are some red flags to you? What are some green flags to you when looking at who is the season or the lifer, as that student said? What are some of those things that you look for?
We’re all different. I’m a deeply feeling person. I like to dive in with people. I try to get a read, not in the first encounter but in the first few encounters. Is this somebody I can dive in with a little bit? I enjoy deeper conversations. I enjoy dialogue that is more than surface-level. When you have years of experience with these people that you can dive in with a little bit deeper, you get some exposure to their heart and their value system. That’s a good indicator of a lifer if they’re willing to open up a little bit and share. You don’t have to share anything deep or tragic.
It is going back to the active listening, ping-ponging some of those questions back, and getting to know somebody a little bit deeper. We probably can both think about some people who are in our lives that we’ve known for a very long time, yet even though we’ve known them for a long time, we don’t know them any better than we did in the first year that we knew them. That’s fine. In those concentric circles, they’re in there, but you’re not going to pull them into that inner circle as much. I’m a big assess-the-heart person and for determining, “Is this one of my lifers, somebody I can trust and know that with them, I become a better person, and that what I can add to their life helps build them up?”
One of my favorite things about our relationship and even our group of girlfriends is that we can tease each other in such a loving way. We know our tender spots, too. We don’t go there, but we can tease each other in such a loving way that allows us to laugh at ourselves and embrace the silly idiosyncrasies that we have that make us unique. That’s a special bond to have. When you’re able to do that with somebody and they don’t take offense or push away, that’s an open door for potential lifer if you know that your heart’s in the right place.
What’s interesting about that is I’m thinking, as soon as you said, “Our group of friends,” for the audience, we’re very fortunate that we found small groups of friends in school. I don’t even know how it started. How did the whole Girls Weekend thing start?
I’ll tell you exactly how it started.
I was going to say somebody needs to jog my memory on this. Not only how it started, but let’s talk about Girls Weekend, because I post about it every year. We’ve done it for a long time now. You have to remind me what year this is. There’s a lot of debate on what year this is. I’m interested in sharing why we do this and what comes about spending those four days together with one another. Jog my memory. How did this whole thing happen?
I had my second child, Trevor. He was about nine months old. I was in the throes of having two under two. I was so desperate to have some time with my girlfriend. I was all in as a mom. I loved being a mom. I knew what I was signing up for. I embraced it, but it was exhausting. I got an itch. I said, “I’m going to get us a house at the Outer Banks. Who’s in?” Before you know it, all eleven of us were in. That started this annual tradition.
People would come. They’d be pregnant. People would come. They’d be pumping their breast milk. People would make sure their husbands took care of the babies at home. The boys who lived in the same area would get together and hang out. It became this cool. It’s funny. I was using this term called framily. It’s a blend of your friends and your family, but it evolved as a community of all of us. We so deeply wanted to be together. I don’t think we stopped talking for 72 hours. We haven’t stopped. It has been great.
What year was that? How many years have we been doing this?
It was twenty years.
We had the twentieth year. I’m so terrible about those numbers. We’ve talked about this. Sometimes, you’re like, “I got so many things going on. I don’t know if I can take 3 to 4 days and go to wherever it is that we’re planning on going.” What makes you go to this every single year? Be honest.
I have this little saying that I use. I don’t know if I’ve shared it with you. It’s my three com: commitment, communication, and community. Those are three important things for me in my relationships and in maintaining wellness and life. Part of it is the commitment. I may not be in the best place to put everything aside and go away for three days, but I am committed to this group of girlfriends. I never have a regret. I’m always so glad to get there.
My three C’s are Commitment, Communication, and Community. These are the foundations of my relationships and the keys to maintaining wellness and balance in life. Share on XI don’t think there has ever been a year that I didn’t want to be there. It may have felt like a stressor and a little bit inconvenient, but I always wanted to be there. It is my commitment to my friends. The communication piece is all the sharing, all the talking, and all the laughing. We giggle. We cry. We have quiet time, too. We take walks, have coffee, and all of that. All of that communication is so fantastic. There is the community piece of feeling a part of our group. There’s something very special and sacred about that.
I love it. I’m the same way. There are times when I’m tired and I’m thinking, “I’ve got to pack.” If I may not be in the best place in my life, and I’m thinking I have to show up for this event with these wonderful women, I don’t want to bring them down. I’ve had those times where I’ve said to myself, “Should I go? Would I be a burden to this group of women by my presence being there? What happens if I don’t laugh as much as I normally do? What happens if I stay quiet? Are they going to question what’s going on?”
Maybe I don’t want to talk about it right then and there because it’s the wrong setting. I want an upbeat thing. No, you’ve never shared the three C’s with me: commitment, communication, and community. I have never regretted going and showing up. I’ve never regretted that because of what you said, that it ends up being less about me. It ends up being more about the community that I’m with. Just being able to be there to listen and to laugh with each other at each other is one of the most amazing things that I have been blessed with in my entire life.
I have a flurry of visions going through my head.
I was thinking the same thing. I’m like, “Temper that down.”
I can see for you, Tina, being an extrovert, how if you’re not in the headspace to be there to be you and to be on, because you’re such a dynamic personality. I imagine that might feel uncomfortable. All these years, there’s something comforting about knowing. One of our girls in our group renamed us. We’ve had a few names along the path, but she said, “We’re the CAYAs, come as you are.” That was so comforting to know, “We got you. You come in whatever headspace and whatever physical condition you are. You come, and we got you.” I love that.
I do, too. Are we officially called the CAYAs now?
Yes. It depends on the day and who’s writing the text thread, but yes, we are. We have a lot of nicknames.
Let’s move into two little touchy areas. One is tech. We are Gen X. Behind Gen X are Millennials, and then Gen Z and Gen Alpha. As we move into the younger generations, we see more reliance on this wonderful thing called technology that can open up lots of different worlds and connect people in new ways that we never knew. If you weren’t standing right in front of me, I wouldn’t have picked up the phone to make a long-distance call at $3 a minute. Where does tech stand in supporting long-term relationships with people, or even creating them? I don’t know. What are your thoughts on that?
There are definitely some positives to it. If you can’t physically be together, you can certainly FaceTime and see each other’s faces. There’s something very valuable about seeing facial expressions and being able to hear a voice. I’d much rather FaceTime than text because a lot can get lost in the translation of a text. On that note, it can be helpful. We all saw it in COVID. We would do our group chats and talks. That was lovely.
We have to improve our self-awareness of recognizing these relationships that we’re maintaining via text, Snap, or whatever you use. Do they feel authentic? Do they feel like we’re able to dive deeper? Do they feel like we’re unpacking each other and understanding each other better? There’s a lot out there we can share that’s funny, or these great little videos that we share. They keep us laughing, but it doesn’t allow us to dive in deep and bond. I’m a big experience-person. The physical connection sinks into my memory and my heart much deeper than a virtual thread. We’re all individuals.
It may feel uncomfortable to make the effort to engage socially and physically. There are some great strategies to use, but you have to seek out opportunities to practice. Share on XWhat would you say to people, particularly students, who are having a hard time making friends, but they are online a lot? What advice would you have for them to do something a little bit different to create those connections?
It boils down to what your desires are. If you feel lonely and you feel like you desire more connection with people, you’re going to have to be brave. You’re going to have to do some things that feel uncomfortable. I’m talking about the person who feels most comfortable behind a screen, communicating through technology. It may feel uncomfortable to make an effort to engage socially and physically. There are some great strategies to use, but you have to seek practice opportunities.
I work in the mental health field. I work with a lot of young people with social anxiety. It’s challenging. It’s hard. Their whole fight or flight gets triggered with the thought of entering a scene where they don’t know a lot of people. That can feel physically and emotionally uncomfortable. You have to start taking baby steps to practice eye contact. Practice keeping your phone away, so you engage and are available to interact with people.
It’s an important skill, but if you’re not lonely and you’re completely happy doing the virtual, then there may not be a need for it. Loneliness is painful. It activates some of the same brain centers as physical pain. While we may not feel physical pain, our brain is sensing pain. That can be uncomfortable for people. It is setting some small goals to get out there and socially engage. You might wonder, “Where do I even start?” It could be in your neighborhood. It could be at the YMCA. It could be going to church, joining a running club, or something to get you connecting with others and finding that thing that you might have in common.
I’m so grateful for the fact that you do have this mental health background, because certainly, as a mom raising young boys in the age of tech, there is no guidebook as to what I am supposed to be doing with this. I know I’ve picked up the phone and called you so many times. “What’s the latest data that you’re seeing? What are some of the things when you go to conferences that they’re starting to talk about?” I’m curious, since you put it out there that this is your background, and this is something that you do. Is there anything off the top of your mind that right now is a hot button in the space of mental health as it pertains to teens and college-aged individuals? Maybe it goes all the way up to late adulthood, but I’m curious as to what we need to know today?
When we replace human interaction—the very thing that builds empathy and strengthens our EQ—we become depleted and deficient in those skills. That doesn’t feel good. It can create discomfort and even anxiety for many people. Share on XThat’s a big question.
I know. Pick one.
You touched on it, how technology is replacing some of that human engagement. I believe we were created to be relational beings. When we replace the human interaction, the building of empathy, and our opportunity to build our EQ, we’re depleted. We’re deficient in skills. That doesn’t feel good. It can feel uncomfortable. It can create some anxiety for people. I’m talking about our generation and even the younger parents. We can model for our young people that the phone doesn’t have to be in our hands all the time. Create a little ten-minute slot every hour where you pick it up and look at it. It’s a distraction.
It’s sending a message that I have other, more important things to take care of besides you. That might be our children. That might be our friends. It gives us a dopamine hit when we get a buzz in our phone, when we see something funny, or when we’re on Instagram. These people who create these algorithms are pretty brilliant. They know what they’re doing. They keep us coming back. You have to be intentional. Just like anything, we’ve heard it since we were kids, “Everything in moderation. Don’t eat all the cupcakes because you’re not going to be able to eat dinner.” Whatever it is, everything in moderation. That applies to the technology, too.
That’s great. You made me think. I went and toured six different college campuses. I was talking to my kids about how I’m trying to figure out the body language of folks who have AirPods or over-the-ear headsets in. Are they still willing to engage? I said people that are of an older generation may look at people that have something covering their ears or in their ears as, “I’m not currently available to engage.” I would tend to shy away from talking to those people because I’m thinking, “They’re listening to a podcast. They’re on an important call. They don’t want to be bothered right now.”
My older son said to me, “No, Mom. You’ve got to look at the rest of their body language.” He took me around one of the campuses. He said, “You can go talk to that kid.” I said, “Why?” He said, “Because the head is up and they only have one AirPod in, not two.” I’m sitting there going, “This is a whole other language.” He’s like, “Yes, that kid is totally ready to engage.” I was like, “I would not have thought that way.”
I would not have known.
I said, “When are they not ready to engage?” He says, “Both ears covered, hoodie up, and head down looking at the phone.” I said, “I look at that as dangerous.” He was like, “No, they’re definitely not ready to engage.” There are lots of communication things when it comes to the different generations. I’m getting ready to close out here. You’ve got two kids still in college. You’ve got one who has successfully transferred out and is now part of the regular world. How do you talk with the fact that you have lots of different groups of friends?
I know we talked about the group of friends that you and I tend to hang out with, but we don’t live in the same town. We participate in lots of different things. Therefore, we have lots of different groups of friends. Folks are always wondering. How do you mix those friends, or do you mix those friends? Do you ever talk about the fact that you do things with other people? Does that make people jealous? For those who have asked me, “How does that work when you have many different groups of friends?” What do you say?
Honestly, my mom modeled for me how to do that. She was a very friendly, hospitable person. Maybe I got that from her. I almost see it as a little bit of a mission when I’m in a group where some different circles of friends are there. I want to connect them. I might say, “Tina, let me introduce you to so and so because she has a child at JMU. You need to tell her about your experience.” I might try to find a commonality between two people so that they can start a conversation. We’re all individuals, but I tend to be aware of other people’s experiences that I’m with.
If I am in a group, and I see someone falling away from the group, or getting quiet, or maybe they’re looking at their phone, I might gently try to pull them in. “What do you think about this? Let me show you this.” It makes me uncomfortable when people aren’t comfortable. Maybe that’s a little bit of my mission. We’re all different. Some people don’t get uncomfortable in those situations, but I do. I try to make everyone feel at home and feel comfortable. I do have a lot of little circles and things that I’m involved in. It makes me happy when they can blend and people meet new people. Their circle gets bigger. That feels good.
I love that. That is so true. Maybe that’s the through line in you being a nurse. You don’t want people in discomfort. You’re always caring for others. That’s not lost on me at all. For our audience, I want everybody to know who you are because you are such a special person to me. Amy Foy is not only a dear friend. She is a nurse practitioner. She works in the field of mental health these days. She’s a TERN Mentoring mentor. We’ve had many students who have been lucky to call her their mentor.
She said she’s very lucky to be a mentor to many students, because, like me, she’s always an avid person who wants to learn. We learn a lot from these younger generations as well. If you are inspired by this episode, then maybe you can reach out to someone whom you haven’t talked to in a long time and make that connection, because you never know when you’re going to make a long-lasting friendship.
Little did I know, many years ago, that one conversation and meeting this other military dependent who happened to be in the same group as me that day, would turn into a lifelong of stories and so much fun and laughter. I want to say to Amy, thank you so much for being on the show. I know that we like to be physically in the same presence. I’ll have to call you for a walk at some point in time on these beautiful winter mornings. It was great to see you on this episode. I love you to death. Thank you so much for being such a joy and such a friend to me for all these years.
It’s truly my pleasure, Tina. I love you so much. Thank you for inviting me.
We’ll see you next time on TERN Talks, where we’ll be meeting with not only alumni from different universities, but also university leaders. We’ll be working with students, giving you their perspective on a number of different topics. We hope that you enjoy this topic and discussion. We will see you soon.
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